A guide
For the ordinary weeks, which is where a marriage actually lives
Most of what gets written about Christian marriage is written for the wedding or for the crisis. The wedding gets the verses about love and the crisis gets the verses about forgiveness, and the long stretch in between gets very little. That stretch is most of a marriage. It is dishes, a budget, a child with a fever, two people who love each other and are both tired.
This guide is for that stretch. It starts with what Scripture says marriage is for, because the purpose decides what counts as doing it well, and then gets practical: talking, listening, fighting without contempt, intimacy, and praying together. None of it is advanced. Most of it is small things done often.
A word before you read on: if you are being hurt, threatened or controlled by your spouse, that is not a hard season to endure quietly, and nothing in Scripture asks you to. In the US you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline any hour at 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. In an emergency, call 911. Telling someone is not a betrayal of your marriage.
How is your marriage, honestly? Eight questions, five minutes, private.
Take the free Marriage Health checkGenesis gives the first reason before it gives the first wedding. "It is not good for the man to be alone." Marriage begins as God's answer to loneliness, and the word He uses for the wife, a helper, is the word the Old Testament most often uses for God Himself when He comes to help His people. It is not a junior word.
Then Genesis 2:24 says the two become one flesh, and Paul picks that sentence up in Ephesians 5 and says something startling about it: it points to Christ and the church. A Christian marriage is meant to be a small, visible picture of the way Jesus loves His people: faithfully, sacrificially, for good.
That changes the scorecard. A marriage is not succeeding because both people are getting what they want. It is succeeding when two people are becoming, slowly, more like the love they are meant to picture.
The LORD God also said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make for him a suitable helper.”
Genesis 2:18
For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.
Genesis 2:24
31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”
32 This mystery is profound, but I am speaking about Christ and the church.
Ephesians 5:31-32
9 Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor.
10 For if one falls down, his companion can lift him up; but pity the one who falls without another to help him up!
11 Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm; but how can one keep warm alone?
12 And though one may be overpowered, two can resist. Moreover, a cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
Ephesians 5 is usually read starting at verse 22, and it should be read starting at verse 21: "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ." Everything Paul says to wives and husbands after that is an outworking of a mutual posture. Each one is looking at the other and asking how to serve.
The instruction to husbands is the heavier one, and it is worth noticing how heavy. Love her as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her. The model is the cross. Nobody gets to read that verse and come away thinking it describes a man being served.
In practice this is unglamorous. It is noticing what your spouse is carrying this week and picking some of it up without being asked. Philippians 2 says to consider others more important than yourself, and there is no one it applies to more often than the person across the table.
Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
Ephesians 5:21
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her
26 to sanctify her, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word,
27 and to present her to Himself as a glorious church, without stain or wrinkle or any such blemish, but holy and blameless.
28 In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.
Ephesians 5:25-28
3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or empty pride, but in humility consider others more important than yourselves.
4 Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.
Philippians 2:3-4
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no account of wrongs.
6 Love takes no pleasure in evil, but rejoices in the truth.
7 It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7
James 1:19 is three instructions in one sentence: quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger. Most couples have the order backwards. We are quick to speak, slow to listen, and anger arrives on its own schedule.
One practice changes more than any other. Before you reply to something your spouse has told you that matters, say back what you heard. Not what you think of it. What you heard. "So you felt invisible at dinner when I was on my phone." Then let them correct you if you got it wrong. Proverbs 18:13 calls answering before listening folly and shame, and it is, but it is also just inefficient. Half of most arguments is two people answering things the other one did not say.
If you want somewhere to start, the questions for married couples page has ninety of them, from the light ones to the ones that take a while.
My beloved brothers, understand this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger,
James 1:19
He who answers a matter before he hears it—this is folly and disgrace to him.
Proverbs 18:13
The intentions of a man’s heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out.
Proverbs 20:5
Every marriage has conflict. The ones that last are not the ones without arguments, they are the ones where the arguments do not turn into contempt: the eye-roll, the sarcasm, the speech about what kind of person you are. Ephesians 4 is a good manual here. Be angry and do not sin. Do not let the sun go down on it. Let no unwholesome talk come out of your mouth, only what builds up.
A few things that help. Argue about one thing at a time; the moment you reach for a list from last year you are no longer solving anything. Take a break if you need one, and say when you will come back to it. And learn to say the two hardest sentences in a marriage, "I was wrong" and "I forgive you", without a "but" attached to either.
Colossians 3 puts forgiveness on the right footing: forgive as the Lord forgave you. Not because your spouse earned it. Because you did not earn yours either. Forgiving is not the same as tolerating harm, though. You can forgive someone and still need them to stop.
26 “Be angry, yet do not sin.” Do not let the sun set upon your anger,
27 and do not give the devil a foothold.
Ephesians 4:26-27
29 Let no unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building up the one in need and bringing grace to those who listen.
30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, in whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.
31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, outcry and slander, along with every form of malice.
32 Be kind and tenderhearted to one another, forgiving each other just as in Christ God forgave you.
Ephesians 4:29-32
A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
Proverbs 15:1
12 Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, clothe yourselves with hearts of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.
13 Bear with one another and forgive any complaint you may have against someone else. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
14 And over all these virtues put on love, which is the bond of perfect unity.
Colossians 3:12-14
The Bible is not embarrassed about married intimacy, and the church has sometimes been more embarrassed than the Bible. Genesis ends its account of the first marriage with a man and a woman who were naked and not ashamed. Proverbs tells a husband to rejoice in the wife of his youth. There is a whole book of love poetry in the canon.
Intimacy is also wider than sex. Couples who feel close usually feel close in several ways at once: they talk about things that matter, they pray together, they touch each other in ordinary ways during the day, and their physical relationship grows out of all of that rather than standing apart from it.
And it is one of the most common places for a marriage to quietly struggle. Desire rarely matches perfectly. If that is you, you are not unusual and you are not failing. You need a way to talk about it that does not leave either of you feeling pressured or rejected, which is harder than it sounds and worth the effort.
There is a longer look at what the Bible says about intimacy in marriage, including what 1 Corinthians 7 does and does not mean, and a set of gentle intimacy questions for married couples to start the conversation.
And the man and his wife were both naked, and they were not ashamed.
Genesis 2:25
May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth:
Proverbs 5:18
6 Set me as a seal over your heart, as a seal upon your arm. For love is as strong as death, its jealousy as unrelenting as Sheol. Its sparks are fiery flames, the fiercest blaze of all.
7 Mighty waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot sweep it away. If a man were to give all the wealth of his house for love, his offer would be utterly scorned.
Song of Solomon 8:6-7
Many Christian couples pray for each other and very few pray with each other. It is awkward at first. You will hear your spouse talk to God about you, and you will hear yourself do the same, and that is a kind of honesty most marriages are not used to.
Start small. One minute before bed. Each of you thanks God for one thing and asks for one thing. 1 Peter 3:7 connects how a husband treats his wife to whether his prayers are hindered, which is a sober reminder that prayer and the rest of the marriage are not separate rooms.
There are written prayers for your marriage to borrow, for your husband, for your wife, for after an argument and for the hard seasons.
19 Again, I tell you truly that if two of you on the earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by My Father in heaven.
20 For where two or three gather together in My name, there am I with them.”
Matthew 18:19-20
Husbands, in the same way, treat your wives with consideration as a delicate vessel, and with honor as fellow heirs of the gracious gift of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.
1 Peter 3:7
6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:6-7
Some seasons are not ordinary. Grief, illness, money, a betrayal, a child in trouble, or just years of drift can leave two people who promised everything to each other feeling like roommates. Scripture does not pretend this does not happen. It says the Lord is near to the brokenhearted, and it tells us to carry one another's burdens.
Part of carrying them is not carrying them alone. Proverbs says plans fail for lack of counsel. A pastor, an older couple you trust, or a good Christian counselor is not a sign that your marriage has failed. It is often how it is saved.
And one thing needs saying plainly. If you are being hurt or controlled, get help now; the note at the top of this page has a number to call. Your safety comes first.
The LORD is near to the brokenhearted; He saves the contrite in spirit.
Psalm 34:18
Carry one another’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.
Galatians 6:2
Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.
Proverbs 15:22
A prayer you can borrow
Father, thank You for the person You gave me. You know this marriage better than either of us does: the parts that are good, the parts we do not talk about, and the parts we have stopped trying to fix. Make us quick to listen and slow to anger. Teach us to serve each other without keeping score. Where we have drifted, draw us back, first to You and then to each other. Amen.
Questions for Married Couples
Ninety questions to ask your spouse, sorted from easy to deep, with a weekly check-in and a short guide to actually listening.
Read it →
Prayers for Your Marriage
Written prayers for your marriage, your husband, your wife, the two of you together, and the seasons when it is hard.
Read it →
Intimacy in Marriage: What the Bible Says
What Scripture says about married intimacy, what 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 actually means, and what to do when desire does not match.
Read it →
Intimacy Questions for Married Couples
Gentle, non-graphic questions for husbands and wives who want to feel closer, with ground rules that keep it safe for both.
Read it →
Kindled, from Great Faith
Kindled is a free app for Christian married couples. Each day you both get one question, answer privately, and choose what to share. It takes about ten minutes, and there are no ads and no streaks to keep up with.
Or start with the free Marriage Health check: eight questions, about five minutes.
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That it is God's idea, given because it is not good for us to be alone (Genesis 2:18); that a husband and wife become one flesh (Genesis 2:24); and that a Christian marriage is meant to picture the faithful, self-giving love of Christ for the church (Ephesians 5:25-32).
Not a church wedding, and not two people who both happen to believe. A Christian marriage is two people who are each following Jesus and who let that shape how they treat each other: serving rather than keeping score, forgiving as they have been forgiven, and praying together. If only one of you believes, Paul is clear that the marriage still matters to God (1 Corinthians 7:14).
Keep it short and keep it regular. One minute before bed is enough to begin with: each of you thanks God for one thing and asks for one thing. It will feel awkward for a few weeks and then it will not.
Start with your pastor, or an older couple you trust. A licensed Christian counselor is worth it for anything that has been going on a long time. If you are in danger, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233 in the US) or call 911.
The free Marriage Health questionnaire on Great Faith is eight questions and about five minutes. Your answers stay private by default. You can invite your spouse to take it too, and nothing is compared unless you both choose to share.
Scripture quotations are from the Berean Standard Bible, which is free of copyright restrictions for use on websites. Read the full Bible on Great Faith.