Intimacy in Marriage: What the Bible Says

The Bible is not embarrassed

Genesis 2 ends with a man and a woman who were naked and felt no shame. That is the design: two people fully known and fully safe with each other. Shame enters in Genesis 3. It was not there at the start.

Proverbs tells a husband to rejoice in the wife of his youth. The Song of Solomon is an entire book of love poetry between a bride and her beloved, and it is in the Bible on purpose. Intimacy in marriage is not a concession to weakness. It is a gift, and God is not uncomfortable with it.

1 Corinthians 7:3-5, read slowly

This is the passage most people mean when they ask what the Bible says about sex in marriage, and it is often quoted in a way that skips its most important feature. Every instruction runs both ways. The husband should give to his wife, and the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but her husband does; and in the same breath, the husband does not have authority over his own body, but his wife does. In the first century that second half was radical. Paul does speak of what is owed, but it is owed by each to the other, to be given, never collected.

Notice what kind of instruction it is. Paul is telling each spouse what to give. Nothing in the passage tells anyone what they may take. It describes two people who each hold the other's good in their hands, not one person holding a claim over the other.

Verse 5 says not to deprive one another, except by agreement for a time, for prayer, and then to come together again. Two things stand out. Paul assumes a couple will sometimes not be intimate, and he says the way to handle that is mutual agreement. And the concern is pastoral: some in Corinth thought abstaining within marriage was more spiritual (7:1), and Paul warns that it leaves both spouses open to temptation.

What this passage cannot be used for is pressure. Read alongside 1 Corinthians 13, where love is not self-seeking, and Colossians 3, where husbands are told not to be harsh, it describes generosity, not obligation enforced by the other person.

More than one kind of closeness

Couples who feel close usually feel close in several ways at once, and when one of them is struggling the others often are too. It helps to name them:

Emotional: feeling known, safe, and listened to. Intellectual: sharing ideas, plans, what you are thinking about. Spiritual: praying together, growing in faith side by side. Affection: the ordinary touch of a hand, a hug in the kitchen, sitting close. And physical intimacy, which for most couples grows out of the others rather than standing apart from them.

This is why the advice to work on your physical relationship by itself so often fails. A spouse who does not feel heard all week is not usually going to feel close at the end of it. Ephesians 5 says to nourish and cherish, and cherishing is mostly done in daylight.

When desire does not match

In most marriages, at least some of the time, one spouse wants to be intimate more often than the other. It is one of the most common struggles couples have and one of the least talked about. If it is you, you are not unusual, and neither of you is the problem.

It usually hurts on both sides. The spouse who wants more can start to feel unwanted and rejected. The spouse who wants less can start to feel pressured, as if every hug is a request, and begin avoiding affection altogether. Each person's pain makes the other's worse.

A few things help. Talk about it outside the bedroom, at a calm time, not in the moment. Make invitations rather than demands, and make it safe to decline. A warm no is not a rejection. "Not tonight, I am worn out, but I love you" protects both people, and a no does not have to come with a promise. And keep affection that is only affection, so that touch is not always a question.

Philippians 2 asks each of us to look to the interests of the other. In this part of a marriage that means each spouse learning to care about the other's experience as much as their own, without either one keeping score.

Pressure is not love

This needs saying directly. No verse in the Bible gives anyone the right to coerce their spouse. Guilt, threats, sulking until the other person gives in, or using Scripture as a weapon are not what 1 Corinthians 7 describes, and they do real damage.

1 John 4 says there is no fear in love, and perfect love drives out fear. John is writing about how we stand before God, but the principle holds in a home too. If you are afraid of your spouse, or you are being made to do things you do not want to do, that is not a problem with your faith or your marriage vows. It is something to get help with now, from someone outside your home.

When to get help

Some struggles with intimacy have causes no amount of trying harder will fix. Pain, hormonal changes after childbirth or with age, medications, depression and exhaustion all affect desire and comfort, and a doctor is the right first conversation. Past trauma can make closeness feel unsafe even in a loving marriage, and a counselor who specializes in it can help a great deal.

Proverbs says plans succeed with many advisers. Asking for help is not a confession that your marriage has failed. It is often how two people find their way back to each other.