Ninety questions to ask your spouse, from the light ones to the ones that take a while
Couples who have been married a while often say the same thing: we talk all day, about schedules and groceries and whose turn it is, and we have not had a real conversation in months. It is not that there is nothing to say. It is that nobody asked.
These are ninety questions to ask. They start light and get deeper as you go. Pick one or two, not twenty. The point is not to get through the list. The point is to be curious about the person you married.
How is your marriage, honestly? Eight questions, five minutes, private.
Take the free Marriage Health checkOne or two at a time. A question that gets a real answer is worth more than ten that get a shrug. Save the rest for another night.
Either of you can pass. No question here is a test, and "I don't know yet" is an honest answer. Some of the deeper ones are better asked on a walk than across a table.
Listen first, then say back what you heard. This is the one rule worth keeping. Before you add your own answer or your opinion of theirs, tell your spouse what you heard them say, and let them correct you. Proverbs 20:5 says the purposes of a person's heart are deep water, and a person of understanding draws them out. Drawing out is slow work. It is also the work.
The intentions of a man’s heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out.
Proverbs 20:5
My beloved brothers, understand this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger,
James 1:19
Psalm 34:3 is an invitation to worship alongside someone: magnify the LORD with me; let us exalt His name together. These are questions for walking with God side by side, rather than in parallel.
Magnify the LORD with me; let us exalt His name together.
Psalm 34:3
And though one may be overpowered, two can resist. Moreover, a cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
Ecclesiastes 4:12
Ten minutes, once a week. Start with the first three every time; the rest are there when you need them. It is the single most useful habit on this page, because it catches small things while they are still small. Take turns answering, and use the listening rule above.
Choose a calm moment for these, not the middle of a disagreement and not ten minutes before bed. Ephesians 4:15 asks us to speak the truth in love, which needs both halves. Ask one, and listen to the whole answer before you defend anything.
If asking questions like these would not be safe, because your spouse hurts, threatens or controls you, that is not something a list of questions can fix, and you do not have to carry it alone. In the US the National Domestic Violence Hotline answers any hour at 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788.
Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into Christ Himself, who is the head.
Ephesians 4:15
A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
Proverbs 15:1
Gentle ones, for couples who want to feel closer. There is nothing here that needs to be answered tonight, and either of you can pass. For more along these lines, there are intimacy questions for married couples too.
My beloved is mine and I am his; he pastures his flock among the lilies.
Song of Solomon 2:16
And over all these virtues put on love, which is the bond of perfect unity.
Colossians 3:14
Pick one question from the light list and one from the weekly check-in. Ask the light one at dinner and the check-in after. Say back what you heard before you answer yourself. That is the whole exercise, and it is more than most couples do in a month.
Kindled, from Great Faith
Kindled is a free app for Christian married couples. Each day you both get one question, answer privately, and choose what to share. It takes about ten minutes, and there are no ads and no streaks to keep up with.
Or start with the free Marriage Health check: eight questions, about five minutes.
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One or two. A question that gets a real answer and a follow-up is worth more than working through a list. Save the rest.
Do not make it an event. Ask one light question at dinner without announcing that you are doing questions. Most people like being asked about themselves; what they dislike is feeling evaluated.
Many of them work for anyone, but they were written for husbands and wives, and the later sections assume a shared life and a shared faith.
Three questions, ten minutes, once a week: when did you feel most connected to me, was there a moment you felt distant or hurt, and what is one small thing you would like to be different next week.
Kindled, from Great Faith, is a free app for Christian married couples, coming soon to the App Store. One question a day, each of you answers privately, and you choose what to share. No ads and no streaks.
Scripture quotations are from the Berean Standard Bible, which is free of copyright restrictions for use on websites. Read the full Bible on Great Faith.