Intimacy Questions for Married Couples

Honest, unhurried questions for husbands and wives, and nothing that has to be answered tonight

Intimacy is the part of marriage couples find hardest to talk about, which is exactly why it helps to have the questions written down. Asking from a list takes some of the pressure off: nobody has to invent the question, and nobody has to wonder why it is being asked.

These are for husbands and wives. None of them are graphic, and the point of every one is understanding, not persuading.

A word before you read on: if you are being hurt, threatened or controlled by your spouse, that is not a hard season to endure quietly, and nothing in Scripture asks you to. In the US you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline any hour at 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. In an emergency, call 911. Telling someone is not a betrayal of your marriage.

How is your marriage, honestly? Eight questions, five minutes, private.

Take the free Marriage Health check

Ground rules

Either of you can pass, on any question, with no reason needed. A pass is not a rejection and should not be treated as one.

No answer is held against anyone. If you ask, you agree not to punish an honest reply, even if it stings.

Answer for yourself. Say what you feel and want, not what you think your spouse should feel.

Pick a calm time. Not in the middle of a disagreement, and probably not in the bedroom.

Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, clothe yourselves with hearts of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.

Colossians 3:12

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no account of wrongs.

1 Corinthians 13:4-5

Feeling known

  1. When do you feel most emotionally close to me?
  2. What helps you feel safe enough to be honest with me?
  3. Is there anything you have wanted to tell me but have not found the right moment?
  4. What does it look like when you feel truly listened to?
  5. When was the last time you felt really understood by me?
  6. What could I do this week to help you feel more known?

Affection

  1. What kind of everyday affection means the most to you?
  2. Is there a kind of touch that is only comfort, never a question, that you would like more of?
  3. How do you most like to be greeted when one of us comes home?
  4. What makes you feel cherished, rather than just wanted?
  5. Is there anything about how I show affection that you would like me to change?
  6. When do you most like to be held?

Desire and timing

  1. What helps you feel ready to be close at the end of a day?
  2. What gets in the way: tiredness, stress, timing, something else?
  3. Is there a time of day or week that tends to work better for you?
  4. How would you like me to let you know I would like to be close?
  5. How would you like to tell me "not tonight", in a way that feels safe for both of us?
  6. What would help you feel less pressured, or less rejected?
  7. Is there anything about our physical relationship you have wondered about but not asked?

3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or empty pride, but in humility consider others more important than yourselves.

4 Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

Philippians 2:3-4

Faith and intimacy

  1. Did you grow up hearing anything about intimacy in church? How has it shaped you?
  2. Is there anything about intimacy you feel guilt or uncertainty about that we could talk through?
  3. Would you like us to pray together about this part of our marriage?
  4. What does it mean to you that God designed intimacy as a gift?

And the man and his wife were both naked, and they were not ashamed.

Genesis 2:25

My beloved is mine and I am his; he pastures his flock among the lilies.

Song of Solomon 2:16

Looking back and looking ahead

  1. When in our marriage have you felt closest to me?
  2. What changed after that, and what could we bring back?
  3. What is one small thing we could do this month to feel closer?
  4. How do you hope this part of our marriage looks in ten years?

One question, then stop

Ask one question from this page this week, at a calm time. Listen to the whole answer, say back what you heard, and thank your spouse for answering. Then stop. The goal is a door left open, not a conversation finished.

Kindled, from Great Faith

One question a day, for the two of you

Kindled is a free app for Christian married couples. Each day you both get one question, answer privately, and choose what to share. It takes about ten minutes, and there are no ads and no streaks to keep up with.

See Kindled Coming soon to the App Store

Or start with the free Marriage Health check: eight questions, about five minutes.

Newsletter

Scripture in your inbox

We send Scripture and short encouragement for your walk with God — no noise, no selling, unsubscribe in one click.

Common questions

What are good intimacy questions for married couples?

Questions that are about understanding rather than persuading: when do you feel closest to me, what helps you feel ready to be close, and how would you like me to ask and to hear no.

What if my spouse does not want to answer?

Let them pass, and mean it. A question asked once, gently, and then left alone does more good than one pressed for an answer.

Are these questions appropriate for Christian couples?

Yes. They are written for husbands and wives, they are not graphic, and they assume that intimacy is a good gift to be talked about with care.

More in this guide

Questions for Married Couples Prayers for Your Marriage Intimacy in Marriage: What the Bible Says Christian Marriage

Scripture quotations are from the Berean Standard Bible, which is free of copyright restrictions for use on websites. Read the full Bible on Great Faith.